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From an email my mother-in-law sent me:

Things NOT to say to a military wife or girlfriend:

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the 'duh' list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds ---but thanks genius, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)
Tig says: I thought I was lucky that my husband is a mechanic. Last week I found out he's been going on convoys as a gunner, the most unsafe position in the vehicle. Terrified does not even begin to describe it. And sometimes he's lucky and he gets to call every day. The days he doesn't call? Panic attack to the extreme.

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, it's just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
Tig says: For me, it's just a reminder that I can't do it. I'm completely unstable without Steve here, and having people point out how hard it is makes me see all my failures and mistakes. Might just be my self-destructive nature though.

3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.)
Tig says: Yes, at least he's not in Iraq where they have nice FOBs with grocery stores and fast food and stable internet. I'd hate for him to be over there, chatting with me online and on webcams everyday. I'm so glad he's in Afghanistan, where they've stopped allowing mail delivery because the commercial airplanes got attacked too much. (Did my sarcasm hurt you? I'm sooooooooo sorry.)

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)
Tig says: We requested his leave in November for our wedding anniversary. He came home in July. So I had 4 months to get established in a routine without him, then he came back for 18 days, and now I have to relearn my schedule while he's gone for a whole year. Bloody freaking army.

5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep one busy.)
Tig says: Depending on who asks this one, this can actually help. If it's a friend, and I say "nothing", we can talk about hanging out and spending time together to keep my mind off the fear and stress. But really, if I'm just chatting with a stranger in Wal-mart, it's really none of their business how I'm keeping busy.

6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they 'can' get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq because there is work that needs to be done.)
Tig says: My husband already re-enlisted. And might again, I don't know yet. If you ask "How much longer until he comes home from [insert deployment zone here]?" that just forces us to think about the time that already feels like an eternity. Thinking about it makes it seem longer, that's why we try to stay busy.

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets 'easy' and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)
Tig says: This is my first deployment, his second but the first time he's been married and his first tour in Afghanistan. And whoever wrote this was so eloquent, "the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before." I'm gonna have to use that in person next time someone says that. For me, a good analogy is like when a pet dies. Most people have multiple pets in their life, and pets don't live as long as humans so most people have had pets die. But it doesn't get any easier, because it's a different situation every time.

8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty ford taurus with mercedes convertible.)
Tig says: This is my favorite on this list. Sorry, I need to rant. Mother, you're a bitch. Just because Dad is gone 2-3 weeks a month in New York or Cleveland or wherever, doesn't mean you know ANYTHING about how I feel. He is in a cushy hotel on IBM's tab, and the worst he has to deal with is big fat rich guys smoking cigars too close to him. My husband is over there protecting our nation and fighting for our way of life, and you presume to tell me that my father the contract-writer is in the same situation? When was the last time a car bomb went off in St. Louis? How many people died from rocket launcher attacks in Minneapolis last year? STFU and don't flatter yourself thinking you've helped. I hate you even more now.

9. "Wow you must miss him?"
(This one also gets antoher big 'duh'. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)
Tig says: *nodnod* I miss him painfully every second of every day. I am lonely and depressed, even when I do things to keep busy. But thanks for the reminder. -.-

10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day ---and on maps everywhere.)
Tig says: This one I don't mind so much, because I don't know locations or anything. If I look at a map or watch the news, I just get more depressed and lonely. Usually when people ask where he is, I just say Afghanistan. Beyond that, they don't need to know. As military spouses we're told not to give out details because anyone who overhears could be helping the insurgents. (Notice I don't say terrorists. They think they're fighting a civil war, and I wouldn't have called the Confederate soldiers terrorists during our civil war. Yes, they use awful tactics and unconventional warfare, but they've been doing it for years. These aren't the same people who attacked New York in 2001, they are soldiers same as ours, just trained to fight differently.)

11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
(Yes, you ignorant f*ck, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be killed, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that 'You're welcome.' He's still fighting for your freedom.)
Tig says: STFU Mom. Yes, I married him knowing that he was fixing to deploy. You married Dad knowing that he was a police officer. Would you be comforted if someone had said "Oh, well if he gets shot it's his own fault for volunteering to do the job"? I don't think so. What would happen if no one signed up? A draft. And then people would complain even more. So maybe y'all need to realize that he's not just fighting for our way of life, he's fighting so others don't have to. He's protecting us from being drafted and forced to go over there too.

12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"
(Hmmm, no I don't miss sex. I'm a robot. Seriously... military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)
Tig says: My friends know better. I don't want sex when he's here, why would I miss it when he's gone? I miss cuddling and watching the stars together and wrestling and playing WoW and everything else I took for granted while he was here. I miss the smile on his face when we went to the mud bogs, I miss the way he used to melt when I washed his back when we took showers together, I even miss him snoring.

13. "Well in my opinion....."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, especially while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)
Tig says: Sure, Bush is an idiot and the war was based on a lie. Sure, we still haven't found bin Ladin. But talking about politics doesn't help the soldiers, and it just makes me miss him more.

last but not least....

14. "OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)
Tig says: I don't want your sympathy or your pity. I do like hearing thanks, because it is tough for both of us, and it's nice to know that people appreciate the sacrifices we make every day.

If you want to say anything, say thank you. After all, we are sexually deprived for your freedom.











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